less calories

I love the Caf. I eat far more than your average man. In fact, I’d be willing to bet that I eat more caf food than anyone on the ultimate team, and, I’d be willing to bet the farm that I eat more caf fish than anyone. About a week ago, I was treated to my first ever haddock square sandwich and damn was it tasty. How it happened that I’d never had one of those succulent four-sided sangys? God only knows. That sandwich was sooo good, that it reminded me of my other favorite caf meal: sea strips. Now I know you haters out there are like, “what the fuck is crob talking about?” To that I say: you are all idiots with severely unrefined pallets; Sea Strips are mouth-wateringly delicious, and I yearn for them like shaq-turd yearns for attention. But tastes aside, sea strips are great for another reason: they’re made from mostly fish, and fish as you know has fewer calories (Body pay attention). Fewer calories means that even though I eat my weight in sea strips every 3 weeks (and eat a shit ton of caf fish on a regular basis) I am still able to maintain my David-like figure and cheetah like speed. Cheetah characteristics are essential on the field, but many of us are lacking. We all know Body is a fat piece of shit, but it doesn’t have to be like that, or he that overweight. He could trim down, shape up and become the nimble stud we all hoped he’d be. Impossible you say? Not on the Sea Diet! Just look at me and zilla. Why are we so fucking good? Gee..I dunno…oh wait, yes I do.

I proclaim the key to fitness, and subsequent success of jive turkeys ultimate, is the sea strip. If we wanna make regionals, dietary changes are in order. Florida? Yeah they’re pretty good at ultimate…It’s also a fucking peninsula. Coincidence? Guess again hombre. So do us all a favor, fatties, and eat as many sea strips as your bloated bellies can handle.

thank you metal

Why Metal

Congrats to myself and the rest of Jive this weekend for our win at Ship this weekend. Our performance was metal to say the least, which brings me to the subject of metal on which I have some thoughts I’d like to share. Blaze and I briefly talked about the positive virtues of metal Sunday night. There are some obvious intrinsic ones—like blistering solos, apocalypse-themed lyrics, and head-banging. But I think for our team, our often comical and always absurd focus on metal is a very positive thing (in spite of satanic undertones). We dominated this weekend, and I think most of us would agree that that it was due in large part to our energy level. We came out fired up from the first point every game on Sunday and had essentially won each before half.

All teams need energy to play well. A screaming crowd always gives the home team an edge. In ultimate, a large sideline can be that same deciding factor. I think this is especially true in the case of competitive ultimate and is why you all teams storm the field after every point at the Stanford invite. I tend to find competitive squads a bit obnoxious in this respect. Take pitt-b this weekend for example—those guys were loud, and we promptly labeled them as obnoxiously competitive. Fortunately, we’ve got that same energy level and we owe it to metal. Metal gives us the opportunity to get loud, and get obnoxious, but in a way that is less offensive than a pitt-b. All our metal screaming and metal rocking, and metal flag bearing is somehow more jovial. Its obnoxious, but not in the way that draws disgust from other teams. I think it draws more confusion than anything. Yet I know for sure it gets my energy level up, and the team’s too I’d say. And its energy that translates into trouncings.

Jive is new to the realm of winning, and I like our style. I also honestly and proudly believe that we are just as spirited as we were I was a freshman in spite of our amped up energy level. So I hope that metal rocks on as part of our team. Are we better than we were in the fall? Yes. Is it because of Dio and Iron Maiden? Also yes.

So in light of our recent metallic developments, I think a couple things should be in order. One is obviously a metal party where we get seriously metal and seriously drunk (even though that’s redundant). Secondly, we need a boom box so we can rock all tourney long. So lets get on that.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeetttttttttttttttttaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

i will offend you in all-likelihood

welcome to my bloggg bitches. i have created this soon-to-be monster with the primary purpose of entertaining myself. as a self proclaimed kick-ass critic, i will review things such as caf meals, ultimate teams whom we've fucked up, hot chicks, or really anything than commands my attention or pisses me off. i will be crude, but never use capital letters, except of course when describing how how much i love sea strips (A LOT). so between now and when i next feel inspired, stay tuned. and body, hit the treadmill fatty.